Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
