Pants 0. Shit 1.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
