I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
