My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
