She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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