Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So squirting runs in the family.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize