how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
