Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
