I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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