My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize