my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
