The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
