Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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