All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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