You made me cry and you don't even care
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
