The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
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