This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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