Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
