If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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