I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
