I wish my penis had an off switch
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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