Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
