i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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