dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
