Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
