Where is the hickey?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
