I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
