Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
