just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Girls should come with a carfax report
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
