I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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