That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
