I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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