i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
