Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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