were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
