Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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