oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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