While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We left an ass print on the piano.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
