Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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