I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
