dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
