when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
