I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Sex in the backyard? Check.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
