did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
