You're earring is so big in my mouth
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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