We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
