Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
