I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
