I'm really into asian looking animals
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
