i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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