i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We have started to decorate penises.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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