now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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