This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
