His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
