Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
