i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
