I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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