The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
